Sex and the Single Feminist

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Who am I?

I am a 29 year old woman. I was raised by feminist academics, so I tend to see the world with an eye for gender politics. I work in the film and television industry, so I know first-hand that sexism and blatant sexual harassment are still alive and well. I am not straight, but all of my dating relationships have been with men, so I tend to frame my thoughts on relationships in terms of straight relationships. I also think that, because our culture still treats male/female relationships as the norm, there is a lot more horrifyingly bad advice floating around about how to be in a straight relationship. I expect most of the things I write will either be fairly universal and apply to many different types of relationships or will be aimed specifically at undoing some of the harm done by all the crap advice floating around about how men and women are supposed to treat each other.

As I try to make sense of the world around me, I find that one of the biggest challenges is trying to reconcile my beliefs with the complex, messy, delightful, horrifying world of sex and dating. How do you manage to love and be loved while keeping a strong sense of your own identity? When do you push back and when do you compromise? When do you appreciate what you have and when do you recognize that you deserve better? These are conversations I have over and over again with friends, family, lovers, and coworkers. For every answer, it seems there are ten more questions. But, in my mind, that makes it even more important to keep the conversation going.

Updating Sex and the Single Girl

In 1962, Helen Gurley Brown made waves when she published Sex and the Single Girl. The idea that women could (and in fact should) enjoy sex before marriage was a revolutionary notion when the book was first published. However, not only was she writing largely to a straight, white, middle-to-upper-class, female audience and ignoring the experiences of anyone outside that realm, she still believed that all young single women want more than anything to find husbands. She went on to turn Cosmopolitan magazine into what it is today.

In the introduction to the updated version of Sex and the Single Girl, published in 2003, she wrote about things that have changed since the 1960s. “You don’t have to be so beautiful anymore to be cherished and adored… Brains have become almost as treasured as beauty…. If you had to or could choose one or the other, I would almost choose smart!” The use of the word “almost” beautifully sums up where she was coming from, and the mentality that turned Cosmo into a vehicle for beauty product ads and quick-fix relationship tips. (Later in that passage, she refers to a woman’s brain as a “nifty asset” for her employer and raves about the latest advances in plastic surgery.) Helen Gurly Brown was never out to help women discover themselves, just to help them discover the best way to be the kind of woman she thought men wanted.

I would like to take her notions that life does not begin at marriage and that a woman who enjoys sex is not a whore and push them forward into the 21st century with a more feminist spin that has some hope of also resonating with people who are not women, not straight, and can’t afford (and, dare I say, don’t want) the latest “incredible cosmetic and dermatological procedures.” And, for straight women of means out there, it’s my belief that getting a man isn’t your purpose in life and that the War of the Sexes is hurting us all.

What is feminism?

Feminism, like many of the other -isms floating around out there, means many different things to many different people. I would never claim to speak for all feminists. Nor would I want to. Most that I’ve met can speak for themselves just fine. But to me, feminism springs from humanism: the idea that all people deserve basic human rights, respect, and dignity. I believe that people should be treated based on who they are and what they do, not what they are or how they look. I am a feminist because I believe that men and women should categorically be treated as equals. And I am a feminist because, at this point, men and women are not categorically treated as equals.

I strongly believe that approaching people as complex individuals instead of one-dimensional caricatures improves my relationships, romantic and otherwise. With that in mind, this blog will explore the conversations I WISH we were having about love, sex, and relationships. I mean, honestly… Do the writers of Cosmo’s “50 Ways To Please Your Man” really know your partner better than you do?

Keeping a Sex Positive Attitude

Sex is everywhere in our public lives. And sex is incredibly important in our private lives. Yet, while we see fictional sex paraded around to sell everything from cars to lipstick, we are still told that sex is somehow dirty and wrong. Real sex is not a commodity and real sex is not wrong. If discussion of sex makes you squirm, this blog may venture outside your comfort zone. But, hey… Some of the best moments take place outside the limits of what we are used to.