All your uterus are belong to us
I wish I could take credit for the title of this post, but my friend Lee was the first person I heard use that phrase. It so perfectly describes the latest wave of culture wars being waged in our political discourse these days. The reclaiming of women’s bodies as public property is in full swing. You see it in so many laws coming up in state legislatures. You see it in the effort to defund Planned Parenthood and financially punish insurance companies that cover abortion.
Maybe this push to unilaterally dictate what women should and shouldn’t do with their reproductive organs comes from a religious influence. Sex is a sin and women are unclean and a source of temptation. Or maybe it comes from a resentful backlash against the ways feminists have helped to restructure our society over the last several decades. Perhaps it’s a bit of both. But whatever the driving motivation, it plays out in women’s everyday lives just as much as it plays out in our politics. The message is that the ultimate purpose of a woman’s body is to bear children. When they are not serving this purpose, women’s bodies are over sexualized. And because, in their non-life-giving state, they are defined primarily as objects of desire, why would a man not treat a woman as just that: an object.
A man takes a picture of a bartender when she’s not looking because she has great tits. A woman walking down the street in a flattering dress gets wolf whistles from the men who drive by. A man nicknames a female co-worker after some part of her anatomy he finds pleasing.
I always hear the same thing when I complain about these moments. “I just think you’re beautiful!” “You should take it as a compliment.” “Isn’t it better than being told you’re ugly?” I won’t deny that a real compliment on my appearance can brighten my day. But I can feel the difference between compliment and objectification in the pit of my stomach. A compliment comes from a place of respect and its purpose is to make someone feel good. To look me up and down like I’m something to eat and tell me my ass could stop traffic doesn’t come from a place of respect and has nothing to do with how I feel. Sometimes I wish men who do this would just come up and pee on me because at least then we could be clear that this is an effort to claim a piece of my sexuality the way a dog marks a favorite tree at the park.
Woman. The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of a man trying to find his place in the world. His lifelong mission: to claim new territory, to seek out constant validation of his manhood, and to boldly assume that no man has ever tried that cheesy line before.
As frustrating as this phenomenon may be, and as much as I hate the way these men make me feel, I don’t hate the men themselves. While there are certainly men who were raised (or have learned) not to behave like that (and boy do I appreciate them), many men think of this as just part of being a guy. Their fathers did it, their friends do it, and it has gotten them laid before. It’s in movies and tv shows and music videos and commercials. The world tells them, “This is how a man behaves.” It’s just part of the accepted dialogue between men and women. And how can I really resent a man for acting the way he thinks men should behave, especially when I’m not doing anything to change his behavior?
Am I asking for it? Of course not. Do I deserve to be treated with respect? Indeed I do. But, in that moment of anger and often public humiliation, how do I find a constructive way to make a man understand that this is not ok? Seriously. I’m asking. When I push back too hard, they get defensive and don’t hear a word I say. I just become that Bitch Who Can’t Take A Joke. If I don’t push back hard enough, they think I’m joking. Or worse, flirting. So, when a man drives past me, licks his lips, and shouts “Looking hot, Mami,” what do I yell back? “I wish I could say the same for you?” “I’m sorry, sir, but this property is not for sale?” “If you want a piece of meat, find a butcher?” Somehow none of the quick retorts I think up seem to elevate the discourse. I’m not looking for a fight because these men are not my enemies. They (mostly unknowingly) contribute just one more piece of a much larger pattern that undermines women’s sense of self-worth.
When this is what so many men learn to do, and what so many women learn to accept as normal, it is difficult to imagine how any one of us acting alone can change the course of such a strong current. However, if we are ever going to change this aspect the way men and women interact, it would help if our legislators stopped telling women that they are not qualified to make important decisions about their own bodies. With such a dramatic blurring of the lines between personal space and public discourse, why wouldn’t men feel that they are entitled to comment on my appearance the way you might comment on your neighbor’s choice of landscaping? Afterall, the future activities of my uterus are frequently up for a vote in the US House of Representatives.
Sex and the Single Feminist 
The recent “War on Women” shows how much hostility there is in the conservative movement toward pro-choice gains as well as the women who are vulnerable in society (the ones who rely on government benefits for pre-natal care, etc.)
Your blog hits at the roots of the misogyny–what can we do to fight it?
By their very definition cat-call mores like these are re-enforced at a societal level. Trying to constructively respond at an individual level, while noble and well intended, creates an energy intensive, emotionally exhaustive recursion with little hope for healing. Population growth and density works against the effort. The answer might lie somewhere amongst the progenitors of culture and the acceptance of a multi-generational time line. Create, write, produce, and legislate a non-violent paradigm shift so that populations breathe, eat, and drink change. I wish it were easier.
@kmd1948 – I’m not sure this specific piece is all about misogyny. While misogyny is rampant and tragic, I feel this piece does not imply that objectification of women is de facto misogyny. The subjectivity of these men while underdeveloped and overly influenced does not necessarily preclude their total ability to love and respect at some level. Misogyny seems to me such a sad polarization, distortion, and pathology not unrelated to what sexandthesinglefeminist is describing, but important to delineate between in the interpretation of this article.
Amen, sister. It has saddened me for many years that many men think nothing of the consequences of these quips. Particularly when they are targetted at teenagers and young women. I think once you reach a certain age or maturity level, the effect declines. But in youth, it sends a powerful, terrible message.