How Valentine’s Day is killing romance…
When I tell people that I hate Valentine’s Day, they usually want to know why I’m so unromantic. And how many cats I have. But the truth is I am a romantic. And that is exactly why I hate Valentine’s Day. February 14th has become the formulaic, obligatory, and thoroughly commercialized version of what passes for romance in this culture. The idea that there is one specific day of the year when we ought to be romantic offends me. And the idea that romance can be purchased at a convenience store on your way home from work makes me sad.
I didn’t come to this point of view by way of some great Valentine’s Day trauma. Just a recurring feeling of vague disappointment that for the longest time I couldn’t explain. Now I firmly believe that Valentine’s Day represents the way we focus on all the wrong things in our relationships. The holiday brings with it a set of expectations that does a disservice to all sexes and all types of relationships. Not only because these expectations revolve largely around the assumption that you can buy your way into (and out of) any situation, but also because these expectations are painted with broad, impersonal strokes that have nothing to do with the reality of your relationship.
I believe that true romance is the celebration of what is special and unique about a relationship, not the obligatory gesture to make a relationship seem as much like everyone else’s as possible. But instead of the deeply intimate and personal love letter, we have the stale and generic sentiments of a Hallmark card. And instead of thinking about the people we love and what makes them happy, we think about the holiday and what we are supposed to expect. On a day that is supposed to celebrate being thoughtful towards the ones we love, the thought counts less than the price tag. If you can’t afford the more expensive gestures, then maybe you just didn’t care enough or try hard enough. If you can afford the splurge, then you learn that your value comes not from your heart and mind, but from your wallet.
The other more insidious side to Valentine’s Day is the value judgment built into all the ways we are sold the holiday. If you are in a relationship but it doesn’t look like the one that happy-beautiful-straight-white-30something couple in the Kay Jewelers ad has, there is something wrong with your relationship. But it’s nothing a diamond pendant called Destiny’s Promise can’t fix! And if you aren’t in a relationship, well… this holiday doesn’t apply to you. But at least you can count on buying discount chocolate on February 15th.
I’ve never had (or particularly wanted) the “As Seen on TV” relationship and I think that being single can be quite a positive thing. Yet when I fall asleep alone tomorrow night, I will feel just a little lonelier than usual. Not because anything in my life has changed or because I regret any of the decisions that have led me to this place in my life. I will feel that twinge because, for the past week, it has been impossible to walk down the street or turn on a television or even open my email account without being bombarded by images of pink hearts and cupids and happy couples. When you marinate in something for long enough, it’s impossible not to pick up a bit of its flavor. No matter how much you hate the taste.
So, for all of you who feel disappointed or isolated or judged this weekend, you are not alone…
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Sex and the Single Feminist 
Very astute observations and I, too have always felt that the person who needs a holiday to feel special is missing the point of their relationship. That said too many people place too much value on gift-giving for the sake of gift-giving and not on the simple thoughts given on a daily basis.
I’d rather have an appreciative friendship than a gift-giving romance.
how many cats do you have?
Enough to make a coat but not enough to put lasers on their heads and invade the Pentagon (yet).